drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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