oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This is my life. Enjoy the view
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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