I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
