I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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