Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We were destined to go to rehab together
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
