i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
