I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
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she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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