Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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