I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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