My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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