I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
