I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
