Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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