I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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