you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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