I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
