i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
