gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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