I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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