i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
