I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
