he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
