i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
