he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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