I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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