omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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