taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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