I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
