So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
