Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
