i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
