I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
