you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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