i love accidental penises.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
