I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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