haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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