Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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