When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
