when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
