tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
