Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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