Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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