hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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