I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You need a sexual gate keeper
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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