He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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