Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
