My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
