i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
