Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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