I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
