I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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