There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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