Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
