I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
