so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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