I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
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ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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